Are you feeling the Christmas spirit? Maybe you’ve been feeling it for a while, a few months now? Have you had the kids Santa Photos taken, the dogs Santa Photos taken, the Christmas decorations up, the Christmas lights up, and that strange Christmas train with the freaky deaky music that circles your Christmas tree, which is of course, up for a while now? Maybe you even have…DUN DUN DUN!
THE ELF ON THE GODDAMN SHELF
|via this interesting article.|
Don’t mistake my cynical tone for Bah-humbuggery, there are many Christmas traditions that I wouldn’t dream of skipping. Here are a few of them.
- A real tree. It must be real, not really-good-pretend-fakery, regardless of the quality. I don’t care about the pine needles dropping, just sweep them up before new years eve and we are good. It’s not just the amazing smell (better than any pine scented air freshener, so forget using those as decorations) it’s just….the vibe. I grew up with a real Christmas tree at Christmas, and I’ve continued that for my family. It’s tradition. The only time I can embrace a good quality non real tree is if you are planning on more than one, then I say Forrest Away in Peace.
- Leaving stockings out for Santa, presents in the morning, a family lunch of a shared feast, a snooze or maybe a swim after pudding. Der! As if anyone would forgo this!
- A welcoming wreath on the door. I make a new one every year, sometimes from natural materials and sometimes not. See, I can mix it up!
- Crackers on the table. No I won’t call them bonbons and yes you WILL wear the paper crown.
- Traditional gingerbread, made by the tonne and given away every year.
Obviously, the best part of Christmas is the time of happiness and good cheer that your get to spend with your family, and every family has their own traditions, which is what makes the whole thing so wonderful. So enjoy, and each to his own!
Having said that, here are some traditions that I cannot embrace.
- That creepy fucking elf. To be fair, I have issues with
child eatingclowns and sometimes possesseddolls that will stab you with a steak knife while you sleep, so perhaps it’s no surprise that The Elf isn’t for me. Even the funny images of elf doing coke with naked barbies makes me shiver.
- A tinsel tree, of dubious colour. It’s just not right. Your home is not a butchers window.
- Going fully Christmas before it’s even December.
- An Advent Calendar. I have no problem with this, we just don’t do it. Growing up, it was only Catholic kids that had chocolate calendars, and as a non practicing Anglican family, we missed out. >sad trombone< Even though my children go to Catholic school, it just feels strange. I’m happy to eat chocolate, just not from a calendar. My MIL bought one for the boys one year, and it was eaten in 2 days; or to put The Gentlemans finer point on it – he ate his brother’s in two days, but kept his own legit. So according to Monkey Logic, he is obviously responsible enough for an advent calender.
- Changing your decorations every year. Is this a traditional oxymoron? What do you do with all of the ones your children made? Or those keep-saky ones that some crafty friend or rello made you?
- The Santa Photo. I know, right? I am obviously some kind of monster and my children are very sad and deprived.. Teenage Daughter wouldn’t have a bar of this when she was young, and we’ve just stuck with the tradition of not doing it. Also, I know it’s a bit of fun but I just think we spend the whole year telling our kids about stranger danger and then at Christmas we queue to plonk our kid on some drunk guys lap. It’s not right.
I have no problem with Christmas lights, just not on my house. I’m happy to come round and look at yours, though.
So, do you agree or disagree? What traditions do you love or loathe at this time of year?
(It’s not just me that has the elf hate, surely?)