I’ve lived in a lot of different places, and had a lot of crazy neighbours, and today I want to share some of those memories with you. I’m not saying that I’ve never been that crazy neighbour because let’s face it, we all have those moments. I’ve tried to only include neighbours whose craziness impacted on me; what happens in your own backyard is really none of my business. Also, to save myself getting sued there will be no photos!

Lets take a walk down memory lane, shall we?

Res’n was a taxi driver, actually he was a lawyer before he moved to Australia with his wife, but worked as a taxi driver when he got here. He worked the night shift, and apparently his wife spent the day pretending to be married to someone else. Poor Res’n, he was heartbroken when he arrived home early one day to discover this. His wife moved out, and Res’n spent the next six months sitting in a tree in his back yard, crying, smoking bongs, and playing his trumpet. I shit you not. This wasn’t that bad for us because we worked all day, but weekends were a bit much.

We once lived in a very fancy, historic apartment building right in the middle of Kings Cross. The place was being freshly painted before we moved in, and the paint was still wet when we got the keys; so we lit some incense and left it for a day to get rid of the fumes. When we moved in we where surprised to see the locks drilled out; the elderly lady next door had apparently seen smoke coming from under the door and had called the fire department. One time she told me off loudly as I took some friends in the old timey cage elevator to the roof to see the city view. One time she opened her door and actually hissed at me.

We rented a house once who’s neighbour was very serious in his pursuit of martial arts. He took himself very seriously, anyway. We would see him at the beach at sunrise, in his karate outfit, performing hakas to the sun. Or on the headland, looking like a 40 year old karate kid, having a grasshopper moment with the horizon. His family did not share his love for self discipline, and his dog was an absolute nut job. His wife once asked me to not go into my backyard at night because it made her dog bark.

We lived in a house with a steep backyard that was full of bamboo, and the schoolteacher next door was very unhappy about it. ‘You have to get rid of the bamboo, it breeds ticks, the doctor said I may have Limes Disease from your bamboo!’ It was impossible for us to remove the bamboo, and it would have cost thousands to get rid of it (seriously, the quote was something like $4000, ridiculous) We explained endlessly that we were only renting, it wasn’t in our budget or our responsibility to remove the bamboo. Still she complained. We gave her the number of the real estate, who I think had heard from her before; in any case they were not helpful. She was not happy. She started feeding our dog questionable things over the fence.We moved.

When The Gentleman was born, we lived next door to a very attractive couple of beachy hipsters who fought tooth and nail every day. They had a beautiful small child, and sometimes on the weekend there was a lot of banging and shouting going on. Occasionally I called the police reporting a domestic disturbance, once the wife had a black eye, and often the husband would walk around the street drunk. Their response to us calling the police was to call the police on us; which was bizarrely unwarranted. The Gentleman was asleep in his cot, I was asleep in our bed, and hubs was whispering in my ear. ‘Wake up! You’ve got to come to the door and say hello to the policemen, they think you are hiding’

Me: What? 
Hubs, half laughing but a bit worried: Someone reported a domestic disturbance, they won’t leave until they physically sight you.
Me: What?
Hubs: Just get up and come to the door!
Me, at the door: Hello? 
Policemen: Good morning ma’am. Are you OK? We had a report of shouting and came to investigate.
Me: What?
Policemen: Have you been physically injured or assaulted in any way? Would you like to talk to us away from your husband? 
Hubs: ……...
Me: Of for gods sake, I’ve just had a baby 2 days ago! I am too tired for any domestic disturbance! I’ve been asleep for a few hours now and so has the baby! There has been no shouting! Oh great, you have WOKEN THE BABY!! Would you like to come in and see him?
Policemen, rapidly retreating: Sorry to disturb you ma’am.
Me: For fucks sake! They called me ‘MA’AM’!!

The worst neighbour’s though, are the ones we have right now. Yes, I’ve saved the best for last! I’ve written about them before and frankly I have been too scared to write about them since, although I’ve come to believe they cannot read so feel safe in telling you about them now. Our house over looks their house, and we can’t go out our backdoor without seeing into their yard, and I wish to Goddess it didn’t.

There is an elderly mum, with 3 adult children. She has a daughter who lived in a caravan down the side of the house for a while with her husband and a few children, she bred bull dogs in the back yard. The eldest son was at times extremely volatile, and for years would storm around the house and yard, yelling, swearing, and being unpleasant. Once I threatened to call the police because he was going to hit his mother with a metal pole, although his mum called Mr BC and asked us not to because her son had so many warrants out for him, he would surely go to jail. Sadly, this son died earlier this year; he was found by his mum in the garage one morning, which is something no mum on earth should have to go through. The youngest son though….he is a very nasty piece of work. He is loud, aggressive, foul mouthed, and scary. My aunt came to visit last year, and we sat in the vegetable garden having a cup of coffee, when the neighbour started telling his mum off. I think he was actually doing it because he had an audience in us, but he talks like this to everyone, all the time, perhaps he had no idea we were there. Brace yourselves.

‘You fuckin whorebag cunt, >Mums name<. You don’t even know who your mother is, ya fuckhead, probably the guy that fucked your mother in the back seat of the car! ya fuckin mongrel cunt, you are fucked in the head. Deadset, I oughta take a piece of wood and slap you up side the head, do everyone a fuckin favour, not have to listen to your whinging shit anymore, ya fuckin mongrel cunt.’

He only ever stays a few days now before his mother kicks him out, with a drama like this happening in the driveway. One time, I stood at my backdoor looking at the moon, while he was in his driveway, next door, at the front of the house. He screamed at me ‘Why are you lookin at the moon for, ya fuckin weird cunt? You are one weird operator, lady!’ One time, I couldn’t control my laughter listening to him lose it while try and activate a SIM card over the phone, and he told me he was going to break my fuckin face.

Seriously, the worst neighbours we have ever had. Whenever he starts we shut the windows, bring the boys inside and put a loud video on. I’ve never actually been scared, although there have been a few freaky moments like when I accidentally made eye contact with him as the police bent him over the car bonnet and put handcuffs on him. Anyway, they have a police scanner on their phone and take off before the police get there, so please don’t be alarmed on my behalf.

Don’t you wish there was a Neighbor Report option before your bought a house, like a Building Inspection? Tell me about your weirdest neighbour, do you have any stories that could top these? Surely I am not the magnet for weirdos in Australia!

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4 thoughts on “Crazy neighbours, a trip down memory lane.

  • 12/04/2014 at 3:22 AM

    I feel for you. Neighbours can be tricky and moving is a bit like a lottery. Good neighbours though need treasuring as they are few and far between.

    • 12/04/2014 at 4:10 AM

      You are absolutely right, we adore out other two sets of neighbors! xx

  • 12/04/2014 at 2:15 PM

    Good god they sound AWFUL! Some of the others are really funny though. I think I'm probably the weird neighbour around here to be honest what with the (accidental) flashing instances and washing snails etc but I'm really quite harmless …

    • 12/05/2014 at 12:11 AM

      Sarah they are so bad! I think they must be the worst neighbours in our very long street. I wouldn't mind if all they did was flash occasionally and as for washing snails – hey, we've all been there.

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